Friends, we need to talk. Having just wrapped up a wonderful month in Italy, we’ve been quietly alarmed by a trend we’ve consistently observed. People eating sh*t gelato.
I am sure this is not a new issue. Perhaps it’s the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. When you notice something and it appears to pop up frequently after never noticing it previously. Like when someone tells you about Tesla, and then ‘all you see’ on the road are Teslas.
I get it that people just want to enjoy a nice, cold cone. On a well earned break from the daily grind, perhaps it’s not all that important. The simple act of a cold, frozen dessert in a cone on a hot Italian day may be enough for some people. I will counter though, that if people are going to make the effort to come to Italy, at least avoid the rubbish. In the Garden of Eden, if you’re going to eat that apple, at least make sure it’s ripe.
The issue first came to the fore on a visit to Venice last year. Searching for the best gelato, a Google reviewer posted a review of a certain gelato outlet. The review read along the lines of ‘I’ve eaten at lots of gelato places in Venice, they’re all the same – all good!’. To which we just shook our heads. No Terribletourist2382, not all gelato is the same. And I can promise the one that had the review was towards the bottom of the pile.
Gelato is not some homogenous food stuff. It is the best damn dessert in the world and you’re in the home of it. It is art and food personified. So if you’ve ventured to Italy, how do you make sure you’re eating the good stuff?
The nine danger signs of sh*tty gelato
That’s where we can help. Through our highly scientific and anthropological approach to gelato eating, we have pulled together a list of factors that will contribute to a gelato’s sh*ttiness. It’s fair to say that possessing one or two of the factors won’t push you into peak sh*t gelato. The more boxes checked however, the higher likelihood that you’ll be eating sh*t gelato. And ain’t no one got time for that.
Here is our comprehensive list to ensure you’re avoiding the worst.
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The gelato is on display
The very best gelato shops keep it inside metal tins. This all comes down to temperature management. Exposed gelato might as well be run of the mill ice cream. It might defy logic, but you don’t want to see the gelato prior to it being put onto your cone.
Gimmicky novelty plastic cone out the front
Italy is home to the artisans of gelato. The best won’t lull you into their store with a comical ice cream cone. It’s akin to those wacky waving tube men outside of car dealerships. It’s a gimmick. Designed to trick you. I got your attention, come here now! It’s a dead giveaway for sub-par gelato.
They rip you off
The very best gelato stores don’t rip you off. They’re generally well priced and consistent in their pricing. If the prices seem off, that’s simply your first indicator you’re in the wrong place.
They give you a ridiculous amount
“And the guy scooped three enormous scoops of gelato onto my cone’.
That’s not good value. It’s another trick – it’s cheap sh*t.
Unnatural colours
Are you seeing Bubblegum on the menu? Some vibrant multi-colour behind the glass? There’s nothing good about this gelato. It’s full of unnatural colours and not quality. There’s no love in these.
They have ‘commercial’ flavours
You know the ones. Lion, Kit Kat, Snickers. These are sh*tty ice creams produced homogenously. They generally get shipped out and highly unlikely to be made on site. Good gelato artisans don’t use commercial flavours to create quality gelato.
There’s no line
The most popular gelato stores attract a line. The longest line we’ve waited in was 45 minutes at the best gelato of all time, Cremeria Cavour in Bologna. It was late Saturday evening, it’s not exactly well located but the Bolognese know where to go.
It’s right outside a tourist hot spot
People gravitate towards good gelato. The gelato doesn’t need to gravitate towards the people. This fact has been true in many of our favourite cities. Finding your gelato store might be a task, but people seeking it out means it’s good beyond comprehension.
This factor is heavily correlated with the novelty cone and high prices. Combined they are a recipe for average.
In summary
Sh*t gelato places over index in these factors. The more factors a gelato store has, the exponential impact you can expect on total gelato sh*ttiness.
Italy has some truly amazing places to eat gelato. Don’t waste your hard earned cash and time eating poorly. Look for the danger signs and avoid them.
You’ve been shown the light. Eat good gelato and make your trip to Italy as memorable as it deserves to be.
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Yup. there is gelato and then there is gelato. And the lines of locals, as always are the key to finding the good stuff (if you too lazy to do the research ahead of time) ahaha.
Peta
haha, absolutely! Saw so many people just eating run of the mill stuff. When the very best is just around the corner 🙂
We all love Italian gelato and these are great tips.
My favourite dessert by far 🙂